Cinefile

Going to a movie theater can be a magical experience...under the right conditions. There's no other place to become so absorbed by a film – its color, its character, its sound – all while sitting in the darkened recesses of a multiplex or independent theater. When the film reel crackles and the speakers grumble you almost instinctively get goosebumps of anticipation. More over, you get to share this feeling with other film lovers, all supposedly there to be consumed by the movie's universe, just like you.

However, there is a heinous, grotesque side to movie theaters. As with any public venue, it leaves room for ignorant disruptions of all kinds that will instantly kill your movie-watching mood. I've experienced these over the years, and have become increasingly reticent to go see movies in their opening day or week at the theater, if at all. Why? Because I don't like being disturbed when I watch a film and I don't like my experience being trivialized by someone who truly couldn’t care less about what they are watching.

So, in an effort to exercise the collective demons of long-standing behavioral feuds at the theater, I'd like to call attention to the eight biggest pet peeves facing any concerned filmgoer. In this, we can share in our pain and thank our lucky stars for the times we do not have to deal with any of the following issues:

8. Infants and Children
A notorious theater crime that everyone can relate to: a parent or guardian bringing a child or baby into a movie that is completely inappropriate for the child's level of understanding or general existence. Now, I understand that being a parent isn’t easy - you rarely have time for yourself and it's often difficult to find someone to take care of your child for a night out at the cinema. However, that doesn't mean you get a free pass in springing your bald, snarling noise-demon on the rest of us. Movie theaters are NOT daycare centers, especially movies geared towards everyone BUT children. If a parent really wants to see a certain movie, do the rest of us a favor and make carefully crafted plans (and back-up plans) ahead of time, leaving your obnoxious air-horn behind so we can all enjoy the movie.

7. Casual Dates
We all know the cliché: the young couple going to a movie theater for the sole purpose of making out. After all, what could set the mood faster than the highly romantic sci-fi The Adventures of Pluto Nash or the sophisticated charm of  Step Up 3D? I get it: a theater is dark, it's intimate, it's away from your parents’ house. I comprehend that. What I don't quite fathom is who in their right mind would pay upwards of $20 on tickets just to lock lips and possibly bump finger tips to hips. Think about it: $20 just to awkwardly fondle and maul your date amidst a sea of strangers. Doesn't really sound worthwhile...unless you're an exhibitionist.

6. Texting
Texting in a movie theater - while a movie is playing - is irrefutable proof that technology has shredded our attention spans beyond the limits of human comprehension. Plain and simple, people need to learn to close their phone and actually (gasp) wait for two fucking hours! Alternatively, GO OUTSIDE if you “need” to text how much you regret choosing pasta over a Mediterranean chicken sandwich at dinner earlier. You may think silencing the sounds on your phone would put you in the clear but you'd be dead wrong. The simple act of pulling out your phone, having it light up, hearing you laugh to yourself about how cool your Facebook status is, tappity-tap tapping, then folding it closed - is actually very disruptive. And anyone who's anyone knows that one text is never enough, so any initial message will inevitably be followed by an onslaught of others.

5. Reciting Lines
Anybody who’s gone to a screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail knows of the atrocious squeals and cackles that emanate from the back row. It's the smug, self-gratifying fans of Python (often high school thespians) providing their very own dialogue dub for everyone else to “enjoy.” The thing is, as great as their interpretation might be, the movie itself has this funny little thing called  “original audio dialogue”. I know, weird right? And here's where it gets really bizarre - people can actually watch movies over again and not feel the urge to repeat the lines in a blown-out vaudevillian fashion. Hah! It's just crazy!

To be continued in part 2...